I woke up in a car.

These irregular hormones are effecting me in a minorly major way.
I miss my best friends, they've all gone their separate ways.
Nick's in boarding school in the mormon capital. I can't speak to him. Or see him. It's killing me.

Noelle & Pearl are 2,000 miles away. They carry on their own lives that I know nothing of these days.

Apryl is apparently too busy.

So here I am. Waiting for something to happen.



I am all alone. But here I am. Woah. Well I woke up in a car.

Dreams &such.

My life is back on track. An amazing one at that. I can't remember the last time I was so happy. Some of my lifestyles may not be the most healthy or inspiring, but I've been waking up and looking forward to the days lying ahead.
Junior year is turning out to be exactly how I planned.
Good company, good weed, good vibes.

Tis all I need.
Love life, love you.

Bow ties.

With a few strings
and a few words
with melodies
too lovely to go away.
I'm dedicated
and I miss those days
of liveliness
I will never forget.

Sunset on sundown.

California feels more at home than ever.
I've officially lived here more than half my life.
It's a constant beauty that has so many places
for me to explore.
I can't wait.

Here we go again.

It's back to school for the 11th year in a row. I'm so close to real life in the real world, it's almost frightening. My world has revolved around school for so long and I can almost taste that freedom to come. I know this year will be a completely different chain of events. Needless to say, I'm more than anticipating whats to come. I'm not so set into habits like I used to be. It wont be so hard to get used to change this time. I soon will have a job and more free time on my hands. With this will come responsibility and I all I'm hoping for is to manage it well. I believe that I can, therefore it should happen. I'm already surrounding myself with those who are better for my growing self and almost constant love of life. As for now, I am content despite the starting of a new school year in t minus 5 days.

La medical.

I must say that weed is an amazing friend.
The smell
the effect
the people.
Oh lord, oh lord.
I love this world.

The touch of skin on butterflies.

It's been a while, to say the least. It's that time of year. The time teenagers run wild and live to their fullest. As for me, I've spent many a days inside listening to music, analyzing pictures, rambling and waiting for something bigger than myself to come a long. It was depressing me for the past week or so but I'm actually enjoying myself now.
On Saturday I got something that I never thought I would obtain. Even though it may not have been the 'classiest' thing I've ever done, I look back on it and smile. It gives me hope for people and things in the future. It helps me to overlook every one elses judgments on me. I mean, it's my time to live. This is my time to explore and to figure out who and what I am. For the rest of them? Fuck you. Honestly, it's not any of your business.
This just further deepens my infatuation with men in general. It's something about their bodies, their lips, their eyes and their voices. And any one who plays guitar, is attractive and will do illegal things with me kinda already has me won over.
Well, needless to say this is my life and I can't say that I haven't lead myself to this position. I'm going to enjoy what I have in front of me for as long as I can. Even if my number of friends is dropping, at least I'm not bringing myself down to fit their standards.
That's how I must think now days, to keep my self esteem up and my depression low.

If time could speak,

I wonder if I would have believed it.
If I would have steered clear of what has become my future,
or if I wold have dived into it deeper than I have.
I guess I'll never know.
But I'm not regretful, not one bit.
I love my life and the people in it.
It's just never what I expected my sophmore year to be.

Where did all the time go?

Burned through joints and cigarettes.
Alcohol and kisses.
What happened?
We used to be so clean.

Anxious people lead busy lives.

My past few days have been hectic. This week is only two days in and it's already going crazy. I have so many things to do for so many classes. I have yet to do half the work I need to do because of all my Ap shit, but I'm even behind with that. But I guess at this point it's, I know what I know, and I can't do much about that. The end of the school year is coming up quickly. I'm so happy but I'm already nervous about finals and keeping up my grades. My goal is to have no C's this semester. It would really boost my happiness within myself if I could obtain only B's and A's. It may sound silly but it does help a lot because I'm not one of those kids who just gets straight A's. On the other hand, I'm so fed up with my teachers at the moment. I love some of them but the others are driving me batty. They're bitchy and whiney and sometimes I want to tell them off, but I have this whole ideology built into me that I can't be rude to my elders. I have a really hard time doing that now, even if they deserve it. I can be a complete and utter bitch but it's nearly impossible for me to tell off adults.
What is wrong with me? Gaholy.

Carving out our names.

If there's anything I want more than to be skinny; it's to be in love.
You know, there's reasons why 90% of songs are written about it.
There's something about us humans that can't let go of this feeling, this need of being needed.
That's why letting go of a first love is possibly one of the hardest things to go through.
But I'm through with that cycle; and I'm ready to start over.
Some would think I'm crazy... I'm basically saying I'm ready to get broken.
And so what?
I want it and I crave it.
It's so insane to feel so alive.
Yet that's how it is every single time.
This feeling of being infinite
if only for a few seconds.

You started the fire.

So let it tare you down.
And if not,
Then build it up.

Just flow with it, roll with it.

There's so many things that come flooding to mind when I think of certain people. But I'm always curious as to what flows into your mind when you see me or hear my name? I guess it shouldn't matter because it's not going to change me as a person. This is the main thing I've come to realize lately. I can't be living for somebody else, I can't act on the behalf of making them happy all the time. I'm still me at the end of the day and my actions are my own. People are either coming to terms with that or they aren't, and it's out of my hands.
With this in mind, I've decided that I enjoy doing the things I do and if somebody disagrees then it's not going to decipher how I feel about it. Life's too short for me to let people rule over my brain like that. I like my brain open and unrestricted. That's why it's nice to have a little help from a green friend sometimes. Because as much as you're mind is gone- it's just beyond the limitations of normal thinking. It's roaming around mulling over unusual things. It's quite the sensation and a lovely one at that. The health effects are not terribly bad. People in ancient times had much worse things done to their bodies and immune system. I love when my body is vibrating with an indescribable sensation. Everything seems to be at ease. And even when my mind is normal, things are at ease. It's just so much easier to open up. On a day to day basis, we constantly have all these stereotypes or ideals built into our thought processes, from the day we are born. I love to break that. So much. If I could do it all the time, I probably would. But I'm still smart. I'm still a good kid. I used to not want everybody to think of me in such a 'druggie/trashy' way but now I'm starting not to give two shits because it's MY life. And I know deep down, that those connotations are just ignorance towards my true self.
So, put that in your pipe and smoke it.
;)
Just kidding.
Not really.
Love.

The beauty's in the emptiness.

I'm starving. I want food, but I've already eaten shit today. I need to loose weight really bad. I'm over weight and look like a fat mother fucker. If I start to run everyday and have a lower caloric intake, I should start to loose weight. But I need to start ASAP. I keep telling myself... tomorrow, I will start. Tomorrow, oh just this bag of chips... tomorrow. I'll go running. But it never happens. Ever. And I don't want it to be like this. I want to look good and feel confident. I don't want to feel insecure this summer to wear shorts & bathing suits. I don't want to hate my body even when people touch it. I want to be able to be happy- or just happier.

I will start running;
today
tomorrow
monday
tuesday
wednesday
thursday
friday
x5

Every night I dream the same dream.

I'm in this odd comatose feeling tonight. It's melancholy and overwhelming. I don't quite know why I feel this way, all I know is that I do. While reading a book a bit ago there was something said that made me really start to think. What is the present? We're not living in the past, and we're not living in the future, so that leaves the present. But when is the present? Because after a second, something you've done has moved on and you're thinking about your next action for the future. It doesn't make too much sense but thats probably because it goes deeper into science and mathematics or something of the sort, to explain these ideas. Everything has an answer now, justified by math and or science. Sometimes I wish that there were still wonders of the world, like in ancient times, with myths and gods and all. I mean, sure, there is still religion. But religion is one of the only things we still haven't figured out- and nobody ever will. As long as there are humans living on this earth, being born, living, and dying, no body will know who is ruling and what happens after death.

Honestly, what happens?
Do we disappear?
Do we linger?
Do we reach a supreme happiness?
Does everything just go away as if nothing means anything?

This brings me to my next point. I've never exactly expressed this to anybody but I think about it from time to time. I try to avoid pondering over it too much because it just makes me depressed. Have you ever realized that all there is, in anything at all is life? This is it. This is everything. The universe, people, religion. This is all there is ever. I don't know I kind of freak out when I think of it in full detail. I can't even explain. I just have this weird feeling about life and this whole place in general. What are we doing here? Why is there life? Why are there stars? Why is there anything at all?

Now just look at that social clique, do you really want to be the star of it?

Today started out quite horrendous. I threw up this morning because I was so stressed. The cause of my stress was the lack of my participation in doing my homework last night because I fell asleep on the couch at 8 o' clock for no apparent reason. I then slept in till 11 and woke up in an absolutely shitty mood. It carried on most of the day until I took my medicine. Oh how I hate being dependent on those two tiny tablets. But what can you do?
It was just average. I then got motivated. And this is a list of daily annoyances that I need to work on/get.

*start my homework earlier than 7.
*get a lighter for my candles & incense.
*study for the ap exam.
*keep my room clean (I'm getting better)
*try to say more intelligent things so that people won't think I'm the 'stupid' one.

This brings me back to my main concern. These people 'friends' that I've grown to be in a group with seem to disregard most of the things I say. I feel as if no one takes me seriously and all I do is 'drink&smoke&fuck'. (Yet, I'm still a virgin--because I'm a fat fuck & awkward as hell). They're so very critical of everybody around them & aren't afraid to make fun of you, straight to your face. It's not always the most positive group & sometimes I just stand around and laugh to feel like I'm apart of something, bigger than myself. It's hard when I can't seem to stay with a circle of friends for more than a year. It's constantly changing and a lot of times I realize these people aren't good for me. The only ones that are I don't see very often (ex. Apryl, Pearl, Noelle, Nick). I can't make up my mind on what I should do to better this situation, because at this point I feel like there's no turning back.

Blinded by the sun.

Today has been bad. I'm utterly embarrassed. I got in my first car accident, it was a tiny fender bender but I really don't want to drive again. I'm so shaken up & I feel so fucking stupid. I can't stand the fact that I'm ashamed to even show my face to my parents. It sounds so immature and pussy but it's the truth. I can't tell if they're mad, annoyed, or what. I just feel like shit & I have a stack of homework laying next to me but I can't do it. My minds in a completely different place, not to mention my brain feels like it's pounding against my skull to get out. I don't blame it, my brain isn't a very happy place right now. What the fuck do I do? Why am I so clumsy & not caring? I'm the stupid one who drinks & smokes & says stupid things. I'm the boy crazy one. I'm the 'blonde' of all my friends. I don't want to be that girl. But it's who I've become and I don't even know how it happened.

She was buzzin' all over me.

Some days I honestly love California. The sunny days, the beautiful landscape, the people. Meeting new people & growing stronger bonds is a nice way to kick start the end of the year. It's going to be a wonderful next few months. Laughing & driving around aimlessly. Drinking & smoking until you loose control of your bladder (which I believe happened to me last night...). Spending life being at peace with yourself & the world around. It's quite a good feeling being absolutely sure that you are in a positive place. My anxiety is under control for the most part & my depression is rid of for the time being. After such a dark tunnel the light is so bright it's almost blinding.

Love
Love
Love


el sol es muy bonita hoy

Sit back and wait.

After re-reading through all of this nonsensical ramblings of mind I realize one thing: I was a much happier person before that boy came along. I hadn't thought of him much in a really long time, yet all of the sudden it's all back. It came flooding, not the feelings but the memories. Being brought back to those days. I don't know if I should blame him for all this damage or blame my exposure to the bad side of humans in general? I can't decide. My reflex reaction is to blame him, of course. We all need a scape goat. But the other part of me doesn't want to believe that one person could cause this much physiological damage. I honestly hope that one day I can have that absolutely optimistic outlook on life. I still do from now and then but it's not pure happiness, it's prescribed happiness. It's those pills that help me function from day to day. Those pills that make me not go completely insane- they keep me at a nice level. Not too low, not too high. But right now I have one thing to say : Fuck all of societies standards. If it weren't for all these damn people and events I could be comfortable in my own skin. Fuck it.

Have a second?

I mainly came back to get away from the business of tumblr & get back down to the roots of my blogging. To where I actually used to write, where my mind was free to roam this keyboard and the ideas beyond. It's been close to a year since I posted here. I've grown so much, but it almost seems as if it was a drop down. Because I'm different but more immature. I took a step back, or so it feels. But my life is now much different than it was this time last year. I don't think I was aware a year ago about how much can change in only the matter of a few months. Is this how the rest of my life will be? A constant blur of faces & words? An ever changing personality, experiments, substances, kisses? I'm hoping that some of the this is just age. A 'you most go through this to become an adult'. But what if I didn't? What if none of this happened? And I was still the same person as last year? Would everyone have left me in their tracks or would we still be close?
I know nothing more than a fifteen year old should. I'm constantly left alone with my brain. It doesn't provide much amusement, it doesn't have much insight. It's become more and more dull. More crickets & ticking, if that makes any sense at all. I'm not as creative as I used to be. I've been too caught up in this lifestyle of trying to be myself but figuring out who myself even is. Drugs, alcohol, boys, girls, everything. It's crumbling & rebuilding my mind. I want to have something to think about. Not just a boy or a girl. Not just worrying about insignificant things. No, I want my brain to be stimulated, with thoughts that actually matter. I want an insight to what life is all about. To something outside the realm of television shows & pop culture. I don't know what to do anymore.
Ps. I say I don't know more than any person known to man.