Sit back and wait.

After re-reading through all of this nonsensical ramblings of mind I realize one thing: I was a much happier person before that boy came along. I hadn't thought of him much in a really long time, yet all of the sudden it's all back. It came flooding, not the feelings but the memories. Being brought back to those days. I don't know if I should blame him for all this damage or blame my exposure to the bad side of humans in general? I can't decide. My reflex reaction is to blame him, of course. We all need a scape goat. But the other part of me doesn't want to believe that one person could cause this much physiological damage. I honestly hope that one day I can have that absolutely optimistic outlook on life. I still do from now and then but it's not pure happiness, it's prescribed happiness. It's those pills that help me function from day to day. Those pills that make me not go completely insane- they keep me at a nice level. Not too low, not too high. But right now I have one thing to say : Fuck all of societies standards. If it weren't for all these damn people and events I could be comfortable in my own skin. Fuck it.

Have a second?

I mainly came back to get away from the business of tumblr & get back down to the roots of my blogging. To where I actually used to write, where my mind was free to roam this keyboard and the ideas beyond. It's been close to a year since I posted here. I've grown so much, but it almost seems as if it was a drop down. Because I'm different but more immature. I took a step back, or so it feels. But my life is now much different than it was this time last year. I don't think I was aware a year ago about how much can change in only the matter of a few months. Is this how the rest of my life will be? A constant blur of faces & words? An ever changing personality, experiments, substances, kisses? I'm hoping that some of the this is just age. A 'you most go through this to become an adult'. But what if I didn't? What if none of this happened? And I was still the same person as last year? Would everyone have left me in their tracks or would we still be close?
I know nothing more than a fifteen year old should. I'm constantly left alone with my brain. It doesn't provide much amusement, it doesn't have much insight. It's become more and more dull. More crickets & ticking, if that makes any sense at all. I'm not as creative as I used to be. I've been too caught up in this lifestyle of trying to be myself but figuring out who myself even is. Drugs, alcohol, boys, girls, everything. It's crumbling & rebuilding my mind. I want to have something to think about. Not just a boy or a girl. Not just worrying about insignificant things. No, I want my brain to be stimulated, with thoughts that actually matter. I want an insight to what life is all about. To something outside the realm of television shows & pop culture. I don't know what to do anymore.
Ps. I say I don't know more than any person known to man.