Degraded, degrading, de, grade.

I'm not sure what to think.
Whether to confront it or to push it behind me.
Either way it bothers me.

I've been working on this project, the theme is "Loneliness and a fear of loss drive people to desperate actions."
It's been interesting.
I don't feel well, i'm tired, and confused.

I need a new word for infatuated, I'm afraid I over use it.
But I am, that word describes me. Sums me up.

I'm bored with myself, with other people.

Your games so petty,

I'm sick of those little antics you call your life.
Grow up and grow some balls.
It's about time you started to.

A tip.

1. Love yourself
2. Love your body, if you want it to look good then love it, don't curse it all the time.
3. Be healthy
4. All of the above may help your path to happiness.

I wish people could understand how easy it is to ignore the little things and have a better perspective on life. A lot seem to be wrapped up in a bubble, hopefully they'll break through soon and see the world with different eyes. Like mine.

Oh and, she's my favorite SG.

This is an instance where I will use the phrase-headdesk-

Relatives of relatives by marriage(make me want to choke myself)

Birthday dinners are the worst, honestly.
I promise I will never put my kids through that(if I ever decide to grow a life form inside of my uterus, which is not very likely).

Mainly, I just wanted to rant about my horrible night but I've decided now I'd rather sleep on it and write a humorous story about it later.
So be prepared for a short story soon... possibly... maybe?

Bum, bum, bum!




I'd rather be there.

F.Y.I.

I never loved you. :)

Blind

Sometimes people can't understand their cry for attention pushes everybody away.
People buy into everything, you could tell them that I did it doggie style with jesus and what do you know, somebody I barley know would come up to me asking if I was pregnant with Jesus's baby.

No kids, I'm the fucking virgin Jasmine.
Get it? Haha.

Blogs, blogger, blogging.

"Blogs are a way to complain about your normal suburban life."

Maybe not verbatim, but close.
What I'm starting to realize.
Oh well.
I try to use it as a outlet for creativity.
Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

XXX.

Passion(fruit?)

OC CONSPIRACY MAGAZINE.
It's taking off, just wait. You'll hear the buzz in the next 6 months. Possibly a year. Just wait for it. It'll be huge.

Next weekend is our first interview/photo shoot with a band.
http://www.myspace.com/barabajagalband

I'm nervous/excited/scared/anticipating/ecstatic. It will be my first legit photo shoot. An amateur one at that, but none the less a photo shoot. I don't know what to expect.

I really just want people to take this seriously and not look down upon us as kids with inflated heads. I understand the reality of the situation. We're going to work our hearts out. At least I know I will.

Dismissal

6:30 AM
Wake Up
7:10 AM
Carpool
8:10-1:30 AM/PM
Monotone classes
1:30 PM
Early dismissal this week only. 420.
2:00 PM
Home
2:15 PM
Pool
3:30 PM
Home again, grab a snack, watch TV, work a bit
6:00 PM
Mom/Sister are home
6:30 PM
Aunt's house
9:00 PM
Home again
11:00 PM
Bed

Shining generalizations

Your so ignorant,
so infatuated with the idea of being in love.
I'm not you but I know you well.
I wish you could understand without offense.
My words mush together in my mind, I don't want you to know who this is directly aimed towards.
Honestly, I'm starting to give up on you.
You and the rest of teenage love.
It's stupid, so pointless.

I could sing a jingle.

I'm back. Back to blogging, of course.
Spring Break.
Wow.
Ideas, memories, the yearn for it all to be back in my hands once again.
The were a few firsts last week.
Good firsts though, fun ones.
Not bad for you.

In relation to present day I can't stand the feeling that I should have my best friends here with me. Along this road, this journey. I need them. They bring out the true me. The free-spirited me. Not the suburbanized teenager who is caught up in materialistic society.

So much has happened since my last entry. We're starting a revolution (Hah! We wish!). We being (me and nick).
We need as much help and submissions as we can afford. (By money and by... well... you.)

It's not spam. It's not stupid. Trust me, it's going to artistic crowd of orange county. And you, reading this right now, can help.

Hello from your dear day dreamer

I fantasize of day where I can travel and hop from place to place, city to city, country to country.
Meeting people, networking, seeing the world.
Experiencing culture and all types of land forms.

The day will come, it has to.
As I type this I believe somebody famous just strutted pass me.
At least they looked like they were somebody.

When it comes to relationships

I'm all in the chase.
I get bored so so easily.
I just hate hate hate the way things have turned out.
I've fucked up a lot.
And I wish everybody could forget that.

They're coming, I'm waiting.

I've been waiting for years for this.
12 hours from now I will be with my soul mates. (in the sense we click, and will always click, and will never leave.)
All of us in California. My home.

Spring Break Two Thousand And Nine.

Anticipation. Love. Excitement.

Slow Dance With A Stranger

Girl, you make me feel like I'm walking into danger.

Lost documents.

This is a letter I wrote to a dear friend of mine, who I never gave it to.
I'm cutting out some of the parts because it gets personal so it might sound stupid to an outsider.
Also, I wrote this back in... December?

I just read a letter I wrote you last summer, I predicted my summer. Things were different. Things DID change. I DID live my life on the edge for a bit. I picked up a vice, had to quit cold turkey a month ago and now I've picked up another vice. (Coffee) Coffee and cigarettes? Not really, just coffee. I need stimulants. I hate what I've become. I hate that I set myself up for everything. Reading that letter, it's so fucked up. I wanted to change myself, I felt boring and dull. I wasn't boring and dull last summer. Summer of two thousand and eight. We rarely saw each other. I lost control. I told people things that were not true. I acted out (for what reason? I have no idea). I write these, with the intention of giving them to you, but it always ends up being a letter to myself. Dates. I'm late. Not on period, I'm late figuring out who I am. I still don't know. I'm so lost. I want to be trendy, I don't. I still want to smoke a cigarette, but I don't. Addiction it's worse than they say (I think about it every day... still)
I probably most likely don't make any sense.

I'm listening to Close But Not Quite, a miniature Gym Class Heroes and sipping on coffee (yup!)

I'm writing, I'm actually writing.

I haven't written anything for months.

I love you. "I gave you my heart and you stole my pride"- CBNQ.

Don't ask, won't tell.

Critique NEEDED.

Because I have to turn it in, in 17 horas.
Aydar me por favor.

It was Johnny's last day at our high school. He wasn't popular or a jock, just Johnny. I had him in my P.E. class during 4th period. Everyday he would bring me a bottled water and sometimes a note from his mom to excuse us from participating. Mr. Galliger didn't care much, all he ever did was sit by the pool and read Sports Illustrated. This day in particular was different. When Johnny walked to my locker, he wasn't baring a water bottle, or a note of any kind, just a bag of marijuana, rolling papers and a lighter.
"Do you wanna come? It's really strong. My cousin brought it from California. Supposably that's where all the good dope is. That's why there are so many hippies."
A few people from our class were already situated under the bleachers smoking a pack of Marlboro Reds when Johnny and I arrived. When he pulled out the bag of hash the kids around us started searching their pockets for money.
"Don't worry, it's on me."
"Thanks man," said Bernie, the fat kid that was hard to hate.
Johnny took the first hit and passed it clockwise. I wasn't much of a pot person, I stuck with my Camel 99's. Johnny was the first to break the silence.
"You know, this is the exact place where I first got high."
I nodded, slightly uninterested.
"Today is the last day of my life. Nevada is going to be a new life. Nobody will call me Johnny, I won't have brown hair and brown eyes, I won't make bad grades and I won't get high. My mom is sending me to a boarding school. She want's change, I'll give her change. I won't be Johnny anymore and it's all on her hands. Honestly, she has no idea what's in store for her."
I had never heard him be so blunt, I guess that was the drugs talking.
"I wonder what kind of burnout's I'll run into at St. Mary's Reform School. I'll bet they're all worse than me. Here in Florida is where I belong. It's my calling."
Nobody talked, we just soaked in his words.
Eventually the joint came back to Johnny and he kept it. I stared at him inhaling and exhaling. Contently I smiled at him and he smiled back.
"You know Nina, I've always had a lot of respect for you."
"Me?" I said.
"Yes, you. Your not like most girls your age."
"Yeah... because I'm like one of the boys."
"Even so, I'm going to miss you."
I frowned and lit up another cigarette. One of the guys sitting in the circle, Kenji, peeped in the conversation.
"Yeah I agree with Johnny."
"Kenji, we've gone to school together since 1st grade. You've picked on me all through my life until this year. What makes me different now that Johnny has respect for me?"
He was silent. Johnny broke in.
"She's right, Kenji."
And that's all that was said.
Nobody was keeping track of the time, the smoke formed shapes and the words spoken floated through them. On cloud 9 everybody was celebrating the death of Johnny. His character and his soul were among us for the moment but we didn't know how long that could last.
"When I was seven, my dad left my mom. She swears thats why I am who I am. Because I've been deprived of a fatherly figure, whatever that's supposed to mean. I don't know why she thinks St. Mary's is going to help. Even the name is girly. It sounds like it should be an all girls school. Not a place where a bunch of fuck ups go for a last resort. I don't consider myself a fuck up. Not one bit."
Johnny was being honest. He wasn't a fuck up, he really was intelligent. He stood out to me now most of all. To open up to a crowd full of people who have been only acquaintances your whole life is only something Johnny would do.
The more smoked he inhaled the more stories came out.
"Did you guys know that one time I almost died? My cousin and I had been swimming in the ocean by his house during the summer. Right before we had gone in the water, we had dropped some acid. Not good acid. The scary acid you get off the street. When I dove in the mermaids starting seducing me and I believed I had gills. I swam and swam and swam. Deeper and deeper and deeper. Before the sharks could get ahold of me for stealing their mermaid girlfriends I woke up three days later in the hospital with an IV jabbed in my wrist. My mom has never looked at me the same since."
"Johnny, you would never get laid by a mermaid, what were you thinking?" Kenji said.
"I wasn't. All I wanted was her because I knew after that moment I would never see her again, it was almost unbearable. I didn't care about the shark boyfriends or even the fact I didn't have gills but the rest of the world did. I could have stayed there in harmony forever."
His perception of reality was that of a 10 year olds. A mature 10 year old. One who liked to know things about the world and what's beyond it.
The sound of the final bell rang faintly from a football field away. We all said our goodbyes. I walked Johnny to his car, checking to make sure he was okay enough to get himself back home. He embraced me tightly and told me to be true to myself. He then handed me a picture of us in 5th grade.
"God Jon. We were so different, yet so the same."
"I know. I could never forget this town Nina. These people, they're supposed to be my life. We've been stuck together in this town since birth, all of us. We're like a puzzle. We all fit in together to make one big picture. To have my mom ship me off to boarding school is so life threatening. Even the air I breathe will be different."
I took out another cigarette and lit it.
"Yeah because you won't have me around."
He chuckled and nostalgia was in his eyes.
"Goodbye Johnny. I hope your new self doesn't forget about your old self."
"Thank you Nina. Have a nice life."
I watched him drive away. He was the first piece of the puzzle to go missing and nobody could forget that. And when I fell asleep that night I dreamed of being a mermaid.

1st of April.

Fools, fools, fools.
Not once did I get tricked today.
Go me!

That's what happens when you knock on wood. (Dylan's drumsticks. And no, that's not sexual.)

Today was awkward to say the least. But I came out of it alive and on top.
Now I can trust myself and I know I have self control.

Well, that's all I have for now.

X's and O's.