PS.

romantics seem to be winning me over.

Allerginic

to life.
my nose, my head, my ears everything is clogged.
for a moment i feel as if it's blocked off my senses.
if a something could sooth me, it would be the tunes of TAI.

Relations

jealousy, two faces, and trust issues.
they consume my life at the moment
along with those tiny butterflies and faint smiles

Test

"Look like a lush. Talk like a tease.
The way you like it.
In front of your house, alone on the street,
you ask me to come inside.
Asleep through all our classes,
you hang me out to dry.

If this is a test
I’m losing my shit
Would it kill you to care
as much as I did?
If this is a test,
I’m wasting my breath
You’re a stranger I know well,
and not at all."

Mind tricks

Flaws.
We all have them.
And sometimes we play with other peoples flaws.
Mind games. The best of the best.
But here I pose a question, am I the player or am I the fool?
Or the very rare combination of both?

Four letter words

of compassion
of affection

love

its unconditional

Goals for this week

1. Grooming my hair. 8 months seems a bit long to me, how bout you?
2. Convince mom to drive me to Los Al High.
3. Get a box of girl scout cookies. We ran out of our (one box) quickly.
4. Raise my GPA. Academic GPA: 2.80. Weighted it's different. FMLATM. Which brings me to my next topic.
5. Instead of using the acronym FML (fuck my life) my mother came up with something brilliant. FMLATM (Fuck my life at this moment). So instead of everybody being obnoxious angsty kids running around saying fuck my life, I'd like to bring out FMLATM.
6. Self control.



The End.

Here you are again

Lost in art.

Try to find yourself amongst
Leaps and bounds of performers
Artists.
Set out to do what they love.
And I don't know what I want.

Your eyes.

Some would say trashy.
I say it's self expression.
But, that's just me.

Aura

part 2 is even better.
sequel
sequel
sequel


is there a sequel to life?
i researched auras today.
jessica said when she saw me i was a bright pink.
she said it wasnt my aura, just the color she associated with me.
i still looked up what it meant.

"Pink (=purple+red): love (in a spiritual sense). To obtain a clean pink, you need to mix the purple (the highest frequency we perceive) with red (the lowest frequency). Pink Aura indicates that the person achieved a perfect balance between spiritual awareness and the material existence. The most advanced people have not only a yellow halo around the head (a permanent strong point in the Aura) but also a large pink Aura extending further away. The pink color in the Aura is quite rare on Earth and appears only as a temporary thought, never as a strong point in the Aura."

February

was such a blogging month.
I had so many ideas.

Being inspired is a wonderful thing.

Lyrics have made up my life recently. Thank you.

In relation to my last post-
"The youth is starting to change
Are you starting to change?
Are you?
Together

In a couple of years
Tides have turned from booze to tears
And in spite of the weather
We could learn to make it together"

Extraordinary.

I have no ideas on what to write about.
I have indeed become infatuated again. Again and again.
He's not far from my mind.

I've been having this really big problem about lust lately.
HUGE problem actually.
I need to control my hormones.
Ew, I sound so ... teenager-like.
LAME.

I was having a conversation today about our generation. There's so many things to be said, so many opinions I have on it and then I realize : What am I doing to stop this? Absolutely nothing.

I have to step it up. Do something worth while.
I don't want to die being forgotten,
Or die and people remember me as "the funny one"
I want a title of meaning, of respect.
And for somebody of my age, respect is the farthest thing from peoples minds.

Ambiance.

Everything has been going so well.
My mood swings have been major, due to being a woman, but I've come out on the top today.

Oh and in my mind I believe William understands.
Which has brought me many smiles a day.

WB.

Thank you. Thank you for making my night. Thank you for understanding the love in my eyes. Thank you for listening, even if it was for two words, or one. Thank you for acknowledging me out of 250 people. Thank you, William.

If only we could have conversed one on one for a few minutes. I didn't care about pictures, signatures. None of that mattered. Just you in the raw. "Stripped down and vulnerable" as you said.
So many words made me relate to you so much more last night. I swear you inspire me, William.

Awhile.

"I'll be here a while, ain't going nowhere
I'll be here a while

Far is solace in the maddening pace
sad state written on my face
not a tight rope walk but dance
uncertain game of chance
but I'll see it through in time"

I wish they understood.

On occasion,

I get out of hand.
I say things too blatantly too quick.
Open my mouth before I have time to think to shut it.

I keep leaving loose ends everywhere I go.
Burning bridges and half ass building them back up.

When all my energy is focused on the good things in life I block out the bad.
They gather and gather and pile and pile until one day the stack of problems in my closet explodes into my room.
Now my room is a disaster & it's getting harder and harder to clean up.

UGHH, especially with that person who I've made previous blog posts about.
If um, you, read this all I want to say is what I said in that text message was brutal honesty and I hated how you replied.

Thats why I haven't talked to you since, I've been waiting for YOU to communicate with ME.
Rarely happens , correct?

I'm over sensitive, forgive me, I have a vagina.

What's left.

I just need to see William.

My days are long and stressful.
I'm barely holding myself together.
I know others have it worse.
I'll be fine...
It's just growing up comes with responsibility and reliability. Not the best combo.
Eh.
Sorry for lack of updates.

I haven't even had time to read!
Ah!

My posts are growing boring. I promise I'll have something worth my two cents soon.

RIP

I didn't know him but it seems everybody else did.
It's effected the student body and a few teachers.

So sad how he died so young.
What a shame.

RIP.

Calls from home.

People have such different lives than me it's odd to think about.
Everything I have is great, it could be so much worse but it's not.
And there are obviously people who have so much more than I do, yet they find every little thing to complain about.
I don't understand.
Life is great, right?
Enjoy it while you can because it wont always be this way.

She loves me not.

Sometimes you have to let them go.
I try , try to make her happy.
I hope she is.

I think about you everyday.
She knows.
But she won't ever care.

Faces in the hall.

I knew this kid named Alberto
Funny style cat
And his girl looked like a turtle
Not Lisa Turtle, just a turtle
High school track
He ran the hurdle
His peers shed tears senior year when he got murdered
Now Alberto was your average A student
Participated in class,
Never came late
And never truant
His family was picture perfect
His older sister was prom queen
His dad a decorated vet from the Vietnam team
His mother was Dear Abby,
An ordinary house wife
Like clockwork, always had dinner on the table at 5
But Alberto had a monster he kept under his bed
Instead of letting it out,
He just got a girlfriend instead
She knew something was funny
She could tell by his behavior
Or the way he flamboyantly shook his hand
When he would wave to her
She thought nothing of it
And just shoved it in the closet
Until the day that word dripped out like leaky faucet
Alberto was homosexual
I ain't have nothing against it
But little Ronnie Johnson and all his football player friends did
They'd always pick and nag
Call him "fag" and such and such
And couldn't wait to get to gym so they could really bust his nuts
The gym teacher never cared
He'd just join in on the action
He'd make silly gestures
And compared him to Micheal Jackson
Alberto couldn't take it
He'd just stop showing up and whenever he walked them halls
He just felt like throwin' up
And night he would cry and cry and ask "God why?"
Like "God, why the fucked I have to be born this way?"
God would reply, "Son, you've gotta show 'em you're more than gay"
Cause he had dreams to be a track star
Until that warm April night
Them gay jokes went way too far
Ronnie begged for his forgiveness
And invited him to a party
Cause his parents went away
And left him plenty of Bacardi
Alberto kindly accepted
He was finally accepted
Except it was all deception
And left them all unprotected
It was a plan Ronnie had scammed
To get him in the right place
Verbally degrade and rearrange his pretty face
The plan would go swiftly
They started calling him sissy
One punch turned into fifty
They beat him till he was dizzy
Now Alberto lie in blood
While his peers look on in fear
He took his last breath
And passed away his senior year

Needless to say
It was one big tragedy
And how was Ronnie gonna explain to his family,
While they were on vacation taking in sights
He got wasted and killed a kid that night

Don't be a slave and behave the way they do,
Just utilize the gifts that God gave you [x4]

I knew this girl named Maria
Bright and talented
With aspirations to be a
Big superstar
What a great idea
Until she fell off and started to listening to her peers
Oh dear!
Now Maria was your typical obnoxious
Analytical head strong rebel
Flippin' off the principal
Single mother home structure
She looked after baby brother
While mom worked two jobs
Just to buy supper
Pops was a struggling musician
Troubled man,
Juggling family and heroin addiction
He overdosed and left a notice of eviction
And a crate of records on the table in the kitchen
And a little angel with a keen sense of sound
Who saw silence in the records she found
And she would stay up late at night
Reciting songs to herself
Under pale moonlight
Righting wrongs that her pops made,
Promised her mom she'd never go that same route
Turns out
Carrie Anne had other plans
Her and her man Ronnie most popular,
Second best to nobody
Homecoming queen versus ugly duckling
And the story ends the same way
OK, Ronnie's parents went away for a couple of days
And told him "No Drinking"
What the fuck were they thinking?
Maria was oblivious that her boyfriend had already been invited
So when Carrie Anne asked
She got all excited
Like "damn now I got something to look forward to"
Or so she thought
Maria kindly accepted,
She was finally accepted,
Except it was all bullshit
Now pay attention,
Carrie Anne hated Maria cause she could sing
So she scored a bag of heroin
But the craziest thing was
Maria never touched drugs, she did that night
And when her man was getting beat
She was nowhere in sight
Now her boyfriend lie in blood
And she had no idea
Alberto passed away and she got hooked her senior year
Needless to say
It was one one big tragedy
And I hate to break it but
It doesn't end happily
A warm day in May,
The sky was so beautiful
Carrie Anne died in a crash leaving the funeral